Reversal
by dangerdonut
Summary: New information is revealed about Karma's past via her diary, and it's found out that she had a very strong crush on Amy during middle school.
1. Chapter 1

_This is a multi-chapter, two part fic. The first part is written in Karma's diary, and the second part takes place after the wedding. It might be a little confusing at first, but it's not an AU, and it'll all come together in the end._

**Part One, Chapter 1**

I've never been a huge fan of writing out my feelings, but I'm willing to try anything at this point. Amy Raudenfeld has haunted every corner of my mind for this entire year, and I need to get her out. I need to move on. Maybe if I put what's happened on paper, it will somehow cement it in the past.

For as long as I've had memories, Amy has always been the most important person in my life. She's my safe place. The only person I can share everything with. We've always been touchy feely with each other, holding hands, cuddling, hugs that last a little too long, but I always just assumed that was what a best friend was. Girls are supposed to be that close, right?

Despite my parents constantly pushing alternative lifestyles in my face, I never felt that I was anything but stereotypically normal. I would grow up to marry a well-off boy, buy a house, have kids, and stay at home and write music on the side. That was my plan. Nothing ever made me question my plan. Until the summer before 8th grade.

Amy's mom decided to send her off to an overnight camp for two weeks during the summer. That may not seem like a long time, but to two people who spent all their time together for as long as they could remember, two weeks was an eternity, especially during the summer. I begged my mom to send me off to the same camp. "Oh, honey, it's a religious camp. You really don't want to go, you'll be too different. They'll try to brainwash you." I rolled my eyes at the irony and told her it would be a good opportunity to open people up to "new possibilities". Of course, I had no intention of doing so, but it convinced my mom to send her brave little soldier off to change the minds of the evil conservatives, and far more importantly, be with Amy.

We couldn't contain our excitement. We had never been away from our parents and everyone else we knew for this long, or ever. Our parents dropped us off early in the morning, and we were shown where we would be staying. We'd be sharing a small room with two other girls. Amy called the top bunk, saving me the embarrassment of having to explain my fear of heights to our new roommates. Amy was always doing stuff like that. I don't know what I would do without her.

It was a scorching Texas summer day, and we decided to change into our swimsuits and jump into the lake. Amy had started to develop earlier than most girls her age, so by the time she turned 13, she had the body of a 16 year old. I glanced over at her while she was sliding her top on and quickly looked away, feeling the temperature rise in my stomach. It must be jealousy. She's always had a great body.

We began to make our way down to the lake, and I trailed a few feet behind Amy. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I hadn't seen her in a swimsuit since the summer before this, and she had changed a lot. I suddenly felt inadequate in my one piece suit and insecure in my developing body. But there was something more than jealousy churning inside of me. I didn't just want to be Amy, I felt myself being drawn to her. This was the first time I realized something was off.

We reached the lake and walked out onto the dock. "Jeez, it's hot," Amy said, wiping the sweat off her forehead. "Yeah, I probably look disgusting right now," I said, suddenly realizing I was fishing for a compliment. Amy didn't say anything, she just shot me a furrowed brow and I felt awkward that I had even said anything. This feeling was quickly replaced with a spark of electricity as Amy grabbed my hand, entangling our fingers. I always felt my stomach turn over whenever she touched me, but I assumed that was normal. This felt different. This felt more intense. I wasn't sure what was happening to me. I looked at her, confused as to why she grabbed my hand. "Come on, let's jump in the water together," Amy said, a cheesy grin across her face. God, she was cute. Most people go through their most awkward phase during this time, but Amy looked more beautiful than ever. I nodded at her as we stepped off the edge into the water.

Plenty of the boys at camp tried talking to Amy, but she wasn't interested. I didn't understand why, the boys were cute. Looking back, she was probably worried I would be jealous. I wasn't the most attractive I've ever been back then, and Amy knew how insecure I was that boys never noticed me. At our sleepovers, I would always talk about the cute boys at our school, and she would always try to steer the conversation to something else. She knew it ended in me getting upset that I wasn't pretty enough for them. Amy would put her arm around me and say, "Karma, you're beautiful. Who cares what they think, they're 13 year old boys, you don't want to date them anyways." Sometimes, I would actually believe her. She always made me feel like I was enough.

We spent the rest of those two weeks together, and they were pure bliss. We didn't bother talking to anybody else. We didn't need anybody else. We chose all the same activities and never left each other's side. I felt closer to Amy than I've ever felt before, and it was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. There had been a group bonfire around ten o'clock on the last night for everyone to say their goodbyes, but Amy and I didn't have anyone to say goodbye to. We were exhausted and decided to head back to our room and get some sleep. I flopped onto my bed as Amy climbed the ladder to hers. "Amy, wait," I said, not knowing where I was going with this. "Yeah?" She asked, climbing down to make eye contact with me. "I just.. can you sit with me and talk for a while?"

"Sure, Karms," she said with a lighthearted smile, sitting down next to me, her arm pressed against mine. "What do you wanna talk about?"

My heart was racing. I wanted to kiss her more than anything in this moment. I wanted to be able to cup her face in my hand, tell her she's beautiful and means the world to me, and kiss her. But I couldn't. It was too much to risk. She had shown no signs of feeling what I feel for her. I had to do something, and although I'm not exactly proud of it, I don't regret it.

"I just wanted to talk to you about the cute boys here."

"Karma, it's a little late to get a crush on a boy. You do realize we're leaving tomorrow?" She sounded annoyed, but I was hypersensitive.

"I don't, I mean I'm not.. getting a crush on a boy. I was just wondering if you kissed any of them while you were here." I knew her answer would be no.

She looked at me confused and suspicious. "Uh, no, Karma," she laughs, "I've kind of been with you the entire time."

"Right," I said, forcing a laugh. "So, you've never kissed anyone before."

"No, and neither have you, unless there's something you're not telling me," she laughed innocently. It was clear she had no idea where I was going with this.

"Nope! Still haven't. I don't really know what I would be doing, either," I said, careful with my choice of words.

"Yeah, I guess I wouldn't either. I haven't really thought about it. I haven't really found any boys that I want to kiss yet."

"Yeah…" I could feel how close I was to saying what I really wanted to say. Amy stared at the floor, wondering where I was going with this. "So, maybe we should you know.. Kiss each other. For practice. For boys." I said entirely too quickly and defensively.

"Okay," Amy shrugged, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Okay?" I asked, not thinking I would get this far.

"Yeah. So, do you want to start?" She asked, putting her leg up on the bed and turning towards me.

"Oh, you mean right now," I said. Of course she meant right now. I meant right now too. I usually had a plan for everything, but I neglected to plan for kissing my best friend who I had unexpectedly fallen for.

"Yeah, didn't you?" She asked.

"Yeah, I uh, I'll start."

I stared at her for a few seconds that seemed like an eternity. She was patient. She did what she does best, she made me feel safe. I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers. She closed the gap by leaning in and pushing her lips onto mine. Fireworks. I shut my eyes tight and turned my brain off. I reached out and held her hand while I gently guided my mouth over her bottom lip. She was soft, impossibly soft, and she tasted like summer. She pulled away first, my hand still on top of hers.

"Whoa," I heard her say.

"I know," I said, moving my thumb over the top of her hand.

"I guess we know how to kiss now. Is that all you wanted to talk about?" She said, slipping her hand out from under mine, getting ready to make her way up to her top bunk.

I sat there, processing my disappointment that she hadn't confessed her undying love to me after we kissed. Of course Amy wouldn't feel the same way. Why would she? I wanted to ask her to stay and sleep in my bed that night. I know she would have, she didn't suspect anything. She trusted me. That's why I couldn't. I already tricked her into kissing me, I didn't want to make her cuddle all night with some creep she didn't know was into her. In that moment, I felt like I had just ruined our two weeks together. But I didn't. Nothing could ever ruin that.

"Yeah, thanks Amy. You can go to bed now."

"Good night Karma, I love youuuuu," she said with a goofy smile on her face.

"I love you too," I said. That was the first time I ever said I love you to Amy and meant it more than I should have.


	2. Chapter 2

_This is a multi-chapter, two part fic. The first part is written in Karma's diary, and the second part takes place after the wedding. It might be a little confusing at first, but it's not an AU, and it'll all come together in the end._

**Part One, Chapter 2**

Amy had quickly become an obsession for me. I felt like a character from a John Green novel. I fell in love with her the way you fall asleep. Slowly, and then all at once. Okay, I'm cliché, but all those love songs finally make sense. Not being with her was torture, but there was unbearable tension whenever I was around her. I felt uncomfortable having these feelings for her, but my discomfort was vastly overpowered by the intense desire to be close to her. The worst part was how oblivious she was to all of my advances. We always had a rather physical friendship, so she never got the hint when I cuddled up close to her when we watched Netflix, or when I held her hand when we walked to the bus stop. She saw me as being good ol' affectionate Karma, extremely friendly and nothing else.

No - I take it back. The worst part was the constant urge to kiss her. I thought if I kissed her once, I would know what it was like, and the desire would go away. I have never been so wrong in my life. The knowledge of what she tastes like, what her lips feel like, make it that much more difficult to refrain from kissing her. I never expected to feel like this for a girl, let alone my best friend. Being with her the rest of that summer having feelings so intense wasn't a walk in the park, but it was doable. I had accepted the fact that I would be able to continue like this until my feelings slowly faded away. I would grow out of my awkward phase, find a cute boy who likes me, and obsess over him and not Amy. Someone who could reciprocate my feelings. Someone who I could tell my feelings to and not care about rejection.

Then the school year came. Our last year of middle school before going off to Hester High. It started off easy enough, Amy and I had 4 out of 6 classes together, along with lunch. It gave me a reason to get myself up in the morning and get to school. We were inseparable, like always. Being with her was starting to become enough, because even though we weren't technically together, we had nobody else in our lives, and we were content to keep it that way. At least that's what I thought, before Josh Hoyt came around. Now, Josh was the most popular guy at our middle school, and although Amy was extremely good looking for an 8th grader, she didn't have the social status for him to notice her. That didn't stop her from pining away. Our hangout sessions turned into Facebook stalking sessions of Josh. God, just saying his name makes me cringe. He became all she ever talked about. I understood the fact that he was hot, and he would be able to give her something I could never give her, but she didn't even know him. She just liked him because he was cute. She knew she could never have him, but that didn't stop her from talking my ear off about him nonstop.

It may have been the jealousy. It may have been the fact that Amy seemed to get more and more attractive as the days passed. It may have been the fact that my 13 year old hormones were starting to kick in more than ever. It may have been a mixture of all those things combined, but I couldn't stand being around Amy anymore. My safe place had turned into an anxiety mansion. Just looking at her made me feel inadequate. I couldn't stand being around her anymore, so I tried to avoid her.

Yeah, that didn't happen. After about a half a day of giving her boring responses and her asking me a thousand times if I'm okay, she caught onto the hint that I was ignoring her. "Jeez, you sure picked up that hint right away," I said, realizing I had just opened up the door for a conversation I was not ready to have.

"Karma, what did I do? I really am sorry for whatever I did, but maybe I could be a little more specific if you told me what I did?" She looked at me, genuine concern in her eyes. Amy had always made sure that nobody else in my life would hurt me, and she would be damned if she was the one to hurt me. If only it was in her control.

And then we fought. It was a bad fight. It was one of those fights where you desperately wish you could take back the things you said, but you can't. The words are permanent, and even though you both try to forget it and move on, it's never quite the same.

We were in Amy's room, after school. We were home by ourselves. Maybe if someone else was home, we would have been more gentle in our tones, and more careful with our word choices. But sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. At this point, we were both screaming at each other.

"Jesus fucking Christ Amy, I don't understand why EVERYTHING is always about Josh. You don't even know him. You couldn't get him if you tried. He will NEVER love you the way you want him to," the words sprayed out of my mouth like poison. Amy noticeably flinched. She would have never said the words that came out next if I hadn't provoked her. But I did, I was jealous, and even though she didn't mean it, I deserved what was coming.

"You're jealous, Karma. You're jealous because you're not allowed to like a cute boy for once, because I like him. I'm so sick of your obsession over every fucking boy you see, and you're not letting me have ONE crush on ONE boy? And now you're saying I'm not good enough for him? Have you ever thought Karma, maybe you're not good enough for me?"

It hurts just to write it. It hurts because she was right. I did talk about boys a lot, granted, to cover up the fact that I was in love with her, but I could see where that would come across as annoying. And then I get on her case for liking a boy. It was wrong. It stung deep because I already knew I didn't deserve her, and for her to confirm it was the final nail in the coffin. I'm not trying to victimize myself. I know better than anyone that when Amy gets provoked, nothing else matters to her than winning the argument. It didn't stop me from breaking down into tears.

I slid down the wall I was leaning on, collapsing into the tears that had already been streaming down my face. Amy looked at me, upset, angry, and anxious. Her face softened up after she realized what we had both just said. Her brow furrowed, and she started sobbing too.

"How did we get here?" She chokes out. "I'm so sorry Karma, I really do love you."

I couldn't form a coherent sentence I was crying so badly. She came over and sat next to me, putting her arm around my shoulder and holding me until I calmed down enough to speak.

"Amy, I can't. I just can't."

"Why is this upsetting you so much Karma? Something tells me this isn't just about Josh."

I couldn't tell her the truth. She would run. She would freak out. I wasn't even ready to admit to myself how strong my feelings were for her yet. I decided to be bold, as bold as I could be at that moment and hope, hope to everything that's ever existed that Amy would finally catch the hint enough to save me from these drowning feelings. "I was afraid I would lose you," I whispered. That was my truth. I was in love with her. Losing her would have been heartbreaking.

"Karma, you could never lose me," she says, still sobbing, holding me close.

"Really?" I ask, hoping for some hint of her reciprocating my feelings.

"Of course not. Look, even if me and Josh do end up dating, you'll still be my best friend and we'll be just as close. Then you'll get a boyfriend, and we can go on double dates."

I could not have asked for a less appealing sentence than the one that had just come out of her mouth. My breathing slowed down and I stared off into space for a very long time until her breathing calmed too. Nothing was really the same after that.

The next five months are a complete blur. I became dissociated from what was happening around me. I pushed my feelings down so far that I became a shell of a person. My personality was dull, and I could feel Amy getting bored. Then again, Amy was starting to enjoy doing all the talking. I usually dominated the conversation, and she was starting to get used to being the one in charge. Of course, she asked me for the first few weeks if I was okay, to which I said yes, I was just stressed with school, or stressed at home, or stressed with everything that wasn't her. She was suspicious at first, but got used to me being quiet and reserved. After all, people change, and although she wanted the old me back, she would stick around no matter what.

I was getting used to being apathetic, and my feelings for Amy were almost completely gone, along with every other feeling I had. I stopped doing things that made me feel. I stopped listening to music, I stopped writing music, I stopped watching romantic movies, I stopped looking at her when I talked to her, I stopped touching her, I stopped every trigger that made me feel like I wanted her. It wasn't an enjoyable way of living, but it beat the alternative of being honest with not only Amy, but with myself.

Then we were invited to Josh Hoyt's middle school graduation party. It would simultaneously be the best and worst night of my life. I was reluctant to go, but Amy convinced me. "Come on, Karma, you haven't been yourself in months. You love parties, it'll be fun."

"You only want to go because Josh will be there," I said, slightly annoyed.

"Karma, jeez, I haven't talked about him in months. You haven't been the same since our fight, there's no way I would ever do anything to make you that mad again. If you don't want to go, we won't go, but I want to go because I'm concerned about you."

I made a mistake. I looked in her eyes. It made me feel just enough to agree. Amy smiled at me, excitedly. I had never seen her so excited for a party before. I was really hoping it wasn't just because Josh was there.

We arrived to a scene of drunken minors dressed especially slutty for 8th graders. It was exactly what we had expected. Amy grabbed my hand and took us to get a drink. It was the first time I touched her in months. Every feeling I had pushed down bounced back forcefully the second she made contact with me. I couldn't deny it anymore. I couldn't deny it to myself. I was in love with Amy Raudenfeld, and I couldn't fight myself on it anymore. It was a losing battle. I knew something was going to happen tonight, so I grabbed a red solo cup and downed the alcohol so I would at least have something to blame it on.

I lost track of how many drinks Amy had, but she was either terrible at handling her liquor, or she had snuck a few when I wasn't looking. I was pretty tipsy at this point myself, but I still had control and I intended to keep it that way. We spent the night dancing, playing games, and being with each other whenever the opportunity presented itself. I saw her talk to Josh a few times, and I felt resentful because I was starting to believe he really was the reason she came.

It was getting late, and I decided we should leave. I grabbed her and we made our way outside to his driveway. She could barely walk straight, but she was still so beautiful. We stopped and leaned against a car in the driveway while Amy regained her composure. I decided to take this opportunity to talk to her.

"So, I saw you talking to Josh in there. You guys seemed to really hit it off."

"Ka-Karma, I told you," she was slurring her words pretty bad, "I don't care about him. Okay, he's cute, yeah, but," she stops and laughs for a little while before continuing. "He's not even that cute, honestly! I can't even tell who is cute. People say he's cute, so he's probably cute. I dunno. You know?"

I laughed because I knew exactly what she meant. Every 13 year old boy started to look the same after a while. "I can't say I'm not relieved," I said, knowing she wouldn't remember any of this in the morning. "I don't think he's good enough for you."

"Really?" She asks, genuinely curious. "Well, thanks Karms. And for the record, you're beautiful, and I don't understand why more guys aren't all over you. Really. Have you seen yourself?" She giggles at what she just said before pulling a serious face, like something had just slipped out.

"You think so Amy?"

"I mean, yeah.. yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah." She said yeah a few more times, not really following the conversation anymore. She was going to have the hangover of a lifetime tomorrow.

Her arm was still slumped over my shoulder, and she was staring at me very intently. I know it was the alcohol, but we were having a moment that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. The corners of her mouth turned up into a smile after looking into each other's eyes for what felt like a lifetime. "You're cute," she said, a smirk across her face. And that's when she crashed her lips against mine. It was sloppy, it was drunk, I could taste the alcohol on her breath, but it was Amy. I kissed her back, holding her tight. The kiss became less sloppy and became slow and passionate. I pulled away and looked into her eyes. I swear I saw something in her eyes that night, something that I haven't seen before. Something that she hadn't been letting me see. And then I saw tears form in those same eyes.

"Amy, what's wrong? Oh god, I'm sorry." She just stood there, face contorted, tears streaming down her face, sobbing occasionally. She wouldn't answer me. I don't think she could have answered me. She was gone. I felt guilty knowing I had kissed her back when she was drunk and I was slightly less drunk, but god, did I miss the feeling of her lips against mine.

We miraculously walked the 4 blocks to Amy's house and up her stairs before she collapsed on the bed. "Wait, Amy, don't sleep yet, drink this glass of water. You'll thank me in the morning."

"Thanks for taking care of me, Karma. I love you." Her face contorted again, and I thought she was going to cry, but she held it together and drank the water before passing out. It was a messy, emotional night, but it felt refreshing to feel again, even if it was false hope. I would talk to her in the morning, and we would figure out what happened. I stared at the beautiful girl, fast asleep on her bed, and for the first time, I felt like I was looking at my soul mate.


	3. Chapter 3

_This is a shorter chapter wrapping up Karma's diary entry from the summer after 8th grade. Her diary entries will be back, though. Actually, her latest diary entry might be the next chapter, and it would take place after the wedding. I'm not sure yet, but I have lots of ideas. Keep reading guys, things are gonna start getting good._

**Part One, Chapter 3**

I stayed at Amy's that night, too drunk and tired to walk home. I awoke to her arm around my waist and a massive headache. As much as I would have liked to stay there forever, I desperately needed a glass of water, so I decided to get up. When I got back, I saw Amy sitting up, half-awake, holding her head in pain. I gave her my water, I figured she needed it more. "Drink this," I said, "I'm surprised you're awake. You had a lot to drink last night."

"God, I don't even remember how I got back here. Did you help me?"

"Of course I did. I wasn't just going to leave you there."

She flopped onto her side, rubbing her temples. "Thanks for being such a good friend Karma. So, what exactly happened last night? Anything interesting? I don't think I'll ever drink that much again."

I was disappointed that she didn't remember our kiss, but I wasn't about to let her off the hook that easily. "You're sure you don't remember anything? What happened when we got to the driveway?"

Her eyes darted back and forth and suddenly widened, like she had just come to some realization. "Uh, no Karma, sorry. I really don't remember."

I gave her a raised eyebrow, wondering why she was fidgeting so much. "Amy, I can tell when you're lying. And why would you lie about that? I mean, you kissed me. You remember that. I know you do."

"Look, Karma. I don't know what you're talking about. I was really drunk. I let the alcohol get the better of me, so if I kissed you, I'm really sorry."

"Amy, you don't have to be sorry."

"Yeah, I do Karma, that was ridiculous. I shouldn't be getting drunk and kissing you. I'm never drinking again."

Her words cut through me. Was I that bad of a kisser? Was she really that repulsed by me? That's when it hit me. I could never kiss her again. Every time I thought she might be into me, I was slapped by the cruel reality that she was straight as an arrow and we could never be together.

I couldn't go back to ignoring my feelings for her. I couldn't push them away anymore. I had finally admitted to myself that Amy was my everything, that I loved her more than life itself, and I couldn't go back to repressing my emotions. I needed to move on to someone else.

I spent the last few weeks of school avoiding Amy as much as possible, and for some reason, she didn't seem to care. She had been just as content to avoid me as well. I didn't understand why. She was probably freaked out that she got drunk and kissed me. She probably felt embarrassed and decided to give me some space. I was just glad to be able to have a chance to clear my head.

On the last Monday of the school year, all the 8th graders from the surrounding middle schools got bussed out to Hester for orientation and to shadow a freshman for the day. We were divided into groups of 30 to keep things under control. Thankfully, Amy wasn't in my group. Everyone in the group was given an opportunity to introduce themselves. That's when I saw him. The boy that had 7 different girls talking to him all at once. The cutest, most popular guy in the room, and probably at his school too. He was good looking, he had a nice face with soft features. I knew I could never have him. I knew he would never want me. But for some reason I'm not entirely sure of, I chose him to get over Amy. Liam Booker would be my focal point of obsession. Whenever I think of Amy, I will think of him. I will look at his instagram pictures every night before I go to bed. I will make myself want him. I will make myself fall in love with him.

So, here I am, a year after the Amy incident started, writing out my feelings in some hope to cement them in the past permanently. I feel hopeful that I'll be able to move on and fall for Liam Booker. Amy deserves a good friend that's not in love with her, someone who won't make things weird, and I'm determined to be that friend. I will always love her more than anyone else on earth, just not like that.


	4. Chapter 4

_This is the first part of Karma's diary entry after the wedding. The next chapter will wrap it up, and then there will be some new interactions between Karma and Amy. Thank you guys so much for the wonderful reviews! They make me extremely happy :) Love you guys!_

**Part Two, Chapter 4**

I'm not sure how I ended up back here. The past year and a half, I really thought I was better. I made myself think that I was moving on from Amy. By the time freshman year started, I truly did not believe I had feelings for her anymore. Until now.

I was pining over Liam Booker so consistently that by sophomore year I actually convinced myself I wanted to date him. I was proud of myself for reaching that level, and I figured I should start figuring out ways to get popular to win him over. Now, Amy had never heard anything about my obsession with Liam Booker until the day he talked to us. My attraction to him was so delicate and fragile that I was afraid it could be destroyed from outside sources. I hadn't even said a word to him until recently because I was afraid he would say something wrong and ruin everything I worked for. But by this point, I was confident I had cemented my attraction to him.

When he finally talked to us, I ran away. I was scared. Scared that everything I worked for would get ripped away from me before I could even blink. Amy told me he invited us to Shane's party. She said she would go, but only if I really wanted to. So we went.

Bumping into Liam and spilling beer all over him was far from how I wanted to make my first impression. But he was sweet, he helped me clean up and sat with me on the couch. I felt relieved. We chatted, and some drunk girl came and sat on his lap. Of course, I was disgusted by this, but I pushed all rationality away and focused on the prize. That's when he said it. "It's handy having a lesbian around to explain these things to me." How did he know? How could he have possibly picked up on that? "Erm.. what?" was all I could choke out before Amy grabbed me by the wrist and told me we were going home to watch House Hunters.

Turns out, Shane Harvey thought both me and Amy were lesbians, and in a relationship with each other. We didn't really have a chance to stop him from outting us to the whole school, even though there was no "us". The whole party cheered for us, they wanted to elect us homecoming queens. Not really giving it much thought, I decided faking being lesbians with Amy would help me get Liam Booker. I couldn't date him if me and Amy were together, but I could have sex with him. If I could sleep with Liam Booker, surely my feelings for Amy were forever in the past.

Then came the homecoming assembly. I never expected to do anything more than hold Amy's hand in public. I figured as long as we didn't get too intimate, nothing would trigger my feelings for her. I would have everything under control. I keep thinking back to that moment. If Amy and I had been a little quieter in the locker room, Lauren wouldn't have heard our conversation. She wouldn't have told the whole school we were faking it, and Amy would have never had to do what she did. She did something that I thought she would never do again. She kissed me.

The kiss lasted far longer than it needed to. Far longer than any of our previous kisses. It wasn't as intense as the other kisses, though. I wouldn't let myself feel the intensity. I clenched my stomach the entire time, not giving myself to her. This was an act, after all. Still, holy shit, she was a hell of a kisser.

We both pulled away and looked into each other's eyes. I swear, I saw something in that moment, something I ignored. Something I shouldn't have ignored. But I ignored it, I couldn't let myself gain a false sense of hope.

Then came homecoming. I was in the back of Liam's car, ready to finally erase every feeling I've ever had for Amy. If he would have just kept his douchebag mouth shut, I would have gotten it over with early. He had to say he wanted to sleep with me because I'm a lesbian. I couldn't do it. I was disgusted. My reasons for sleeping with him weren't anything above shallow either, but this was my first time, and if I was going to make it work with Liam, I wanted to make him fall in love with me.

I made my way back inside to find Amy, only to discover her mom was covering the story about the two homecoming queens. My stomach dropped. I dragged Amy into a situation where she would have to face her homophobic mother about faking being a lesbian. I saw her talking to her before she came over to me. I tried to stall. I tried to make up every excuse in the book, but that's when Amy stood beside me and put her arm around my shoulder. "I'm right here, mother," were the next words that came out of her mouth. I was shocked. Proud. Confused. Nothing was making sense. I figured it had to due with her need to be rebellious. She always was good at pissing off her mom. Nevertheless, I was proud of her. That was my best friend. The love of my life, whether or not I would admit it to myself. We spent the rest of the night together. It could have been a really nice night, but all I talked about was Liam Booker.

I'd felt closer to her than ever before after she came out to her mom, whether or not it was real. I don't know what came over me that one day we were sitting on the blanket. She was being so adorable, so supportive of me, just like she always is. I wanted to kiss her. I figured I could get away with it if I made up an excuse, like taking a picture for Instagram. I had gotten pretty good at lying to myself at that point, so lying to other people had become second nature. I crawled over to her and gave her a kiss that was a little more heated than I expected. I took the picture and pulled away before I felt too much. I couldn't kiss her anymore, it was too much.

By the end of the day, we were fighting. I didn't know what she was so upset about at the time, but now I know. She was jealous of Liam. I don't know how I was so oblivious when I was in the same situation less than two years ago. But I was. I keep thinking back to that moment. Maybe, just maybe, if I had paid more attention, if I would have allowed myself to feel, to hope, maybe Amy and I would be together right now. There seemed to be a lot of those moments, where if one thing had gone slightly differently, everything would have changed. I guess it just wasn't our destiny.

I meant it when I said I was in physical pain from not talking to Amy. I hadn't eaten, I couldn't sleep that night, my life felt like a huge joke. If I couldn't even be her friend, then what was this all for? I was mad at Liam for something about him sleeping with the skwerkle lady. It was a stupid thing to be mad about. I was reaching. I didn't really care, I was mostly resentful that I wasn't as attracted to him as originally planned. By the end of the day, however, Amy hadn't been responding to my texts, and I was desperate to get her off my mind. I found Liam in the art room and I kissed him. I kissed him hard and deep and tried taking his shirt off, wanting this wound that Amy had left for so long to be healed forever. But he pulled away. I was distraught, angry, upset. I went home and called Amy a thousand more times. I needed someone. I needed her. I was about to go to sleep before I tried calling her one last time, being met by a "Karma? Hey."

"Amy.. I didn't think you would answer. I missed you," I said, trying to hold back tears.

"I missed you too Karma. Look, do you think you could come over tonight? I have something I really need to tell you, and if I don't do it now, I don't think I ever will."

I wondered what it was that she couldn't tell me over the phone. "Yeah, of course, let me just get some clothes on, I'll be over in ten minutes."

That's when it started pouring rain. It seemed like everything in the entire universe had been working against us. If I would have gone over to her house that night, she would have told me she loved me. She wouldn't have waited until the wedding. I wish I would have known that. I would have ran to her house through the pouring rain that night. But for some reason, I thought she was being overdramatic and it could wait until morning. I ignored the major detail that Amy was never overdramatic. So, I sent her a text.

Karma: Can I come over tomorrow morning? My parents are asleep and can't give me a ride, and I don't want to get soaked.

Amy: Sure.. Probably for the best. See u tomorrow.

_Probably for the best._ It wasn't.


	5. Chapter 5

_This is the second part of Karma's diary entry after the wedding. It's a painful one, but I can promise you there is Karmy endgame. Why else would we be here? The next chapter will have lots of interactions between Karma and Amy. Thank you guys so much for all of the wonderful reviews! They make me extremely happy :) _

_Love you guys!_

**Part Two, Chapter 5**

I went over to Amy's house early the next morning. She was folding her clothes and I snuck up behind her. "Karma, jeez. Stop doing that," she said, a startled look on her face. I told her we were having girls weekend, and I shut my phone off. I didn't want to deal with Liam. If he wouldn't even sleep with me, what good was he? I told Amy that Liam and I had broken up, just because constantly talking about him was irritating her to no end. To be honest, I wasn't sure what was going on exactly, but for now, I didn't care. I just wanted to be with Amy. I could figure out everything after this weekend, but for now, I needed her. She could always make me feel better. She always made me feel like I mattered.

The weekend was nice. We drove to Dallas with Lauren and played my favorite game, twenty questions. She never understood why I liked that game so much, but I liked it because it reminded me of how well we knew each other. We'd always win by the 3rd answer at the latest. Playing twenty questions confirmed the fact that Amy was mine and I was hers, even in the platonic sense. That massage in the car, however, not so platonic. Even Lauren picked up on it, "you two can stop acting like lesbians, I know the truth." Obviously not much of the truth. We didn't care. We were having a moment, and she couldn't take that away from us.

Amy wasn't having an easy time with Lauren. When she found out her mom picked her to be her maid of honor over Amy, the rest of the weekend went downhill fast. It wasn't girls weekend anymore, it was "get revenge on that bitch Lauren" weekend. I tried to tell her it wasn't important, but Amy has always struggled with a short temper. Before I knew it, there was croaky-cake-whatever flying everywhere. I felt more upset than anything that this was getting to Amy this bad. I could see her hurting. I wanted more than anything to take it away.

That's when my feelings started creeping back more quickly than I had hoped. She was in the bathroom, cleaning herself up from the disaster that had just happened, and I was sitting on her bed. I shut my eyes, and convinced myself for as long as I could that I wanted Liam Booker. Nothing else mattered. Liam Booker. Liam Booker. Liam Booker. She came out of the bathroom, a sad look in her eyes, the look that said "I really fucked up this time." I hated that look. I just wanted to kiss away the pain. _No. Liam Booker._ I tried to comfort Amy by telling her how she would be the maid of honor at my wedding. It was so painful imagining a scenario in which Amy was not the one I married, but I did it, because she needed me to be a friend. I was somewhat zoning out the entire conversation, trying to convince myself that I missed Liam. I was zoning out when she had said, "maybe we should marry each other," and by the time I realized what she had said, she was already talking again. "My mom would love that." Oh. It was a joke. Of course it was. At least I thought it was at the time.

My head was starting to ache, I was ready to go home. I was ready to get her out of my mind. She was hugging me when she said the words, "You're dying to talk about Liam, aren't you." Subconsciously, I wasn't, but I convinced myself I was. I began talking excitedly about him, hoping to convince her too.

I spent my walk home thinking about Liam, and when I saw him standing outside of my house, I was starting to believe I had superpowers. "Your phone was off," he said. I was surprised he wanted anything to do with me, I just assumed he wasn't attracted to me. He told me he wasn't comfortable sneaking around behind Amy's back, and I grimaced at the irony. I couldn't lose him. I was too close to what I wanted. "We could have a threesome," blurted out of my mouth before I could even think about it.

"A threesome?!" Amy asked, obviously shocked and probably disgusted that I had even suggested it to Liam. She was justifiably reluctant at first, but something must have changed her mind, because she said yes. I was extremely confused to why she said yes, but I wasn't going to question it. We shopped for lingerie, and I told her we should practice. This wasn't the first time I had asked Amy to practice with me for a boy, but it was the first time that I legitimately wanted to practice. I didn't want to mess up. I just wanted to sleep with Liam. It was a longshot, but it was all I had left.

She came over to practice, and I heard her talking to someone on the phone while I put on my trenchcoat. I couldn't make out what she was saying. I wish I had questioned her on it. She had been acting weird the entire day. I went into her room, and we began the rehearsal. I took off her trenchcoat and I was both disappointed and relieved that she had gone for something so modest. Of course, she still looked way hotter than anyone should ever look in a wife beater and boxer shorts, but that's beside the point. I didn't want to kiss her. Well, I wanted to kiss her. I always wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't kiss her. I wanted the actual kiss at the threesome to be our last kiss. I didn't want to conjure up any unnecessary feelings before then. I put my hand over her mouth and made kissy noises, and when I was done, she looked extremely confused and disgruntled. Kind of a "what the actual fuck was that, Karma?" look that Amy sported so often.

I passive-aggressively told her that she wouldn't be staying for the threesome, incase there was any confusion. As much as I had fantasized about having my first time with Amy, it would only make things more confusing. She agreed, saying she would fake food poisoning to get out. A part of me felt disappointed that she had an excuse ready, but I was just glad this whole ordeal would be over soon.

What Amy pulled at the threesome was completely uncalled for. It left me spinning through a loop until she confessed at the wedding and it all made sense. I could not understand it at the time. It made no sense why she seemed so intent with staying, why she prepared so much for a threesome that I thought meant nothing to her. The only reason I could wrap my mind around was she wanted Liam, and even that seemed farfetched. Amy had always been unpredictable, but even I wasn't expecting this.

She took off her trenchcoat so confidently and left me standing there with my mouth wide open. I couldn't help but stare, but even straight girls and gay boys would. Her body is a work of art, and she knows it. She walked over to me, taking off my trenchcoat and staring into me. I felt myself letting my guard down. We kissed, and it was by far the best kiss we've ever shared. It was passionate. It felt mutual. When we pulled apart, I looked into her eyes, and I saw her. I really saw her. Maybe for the first time. "Whoa," I said, shaking my head, not understanding the full capacity of what just happened. "I know," she said, a look on her face that I've never seen before.

I had forgotten Liam was there at this point, but I was suddenly reminded when he grabbed Amy and kissed her. Oh, what the fuck was all that went through my mind. My head was spinning. My feelings had returned tenfold for Amy after that kiss, the thought of kissing Liam after that was anything but pleasant, and now Liam and Amy were kissing. Okay, time to call it a night. I told them I couldn't do this with very obvious pain in my eyes that I'm sure they picked up on. Amy called me seven times that night, leaving very concerned voicemails each time.

_*beep* Karma, please pick up, are you okay? What happened? We're worried about you. I'm worried about you._

_*beep* I'm sorry, just pick up, I need to know you're okay._

_*beep* Was this because Liam kissed me? I didn't expect he would. I didn't want him to._

_*beep* I'm really worried, I just want to know you made it home safe. It's not fair to not respond. I have the right to know if you're okay or not._

_*beep* Okay, you're obviously not okay, I didn't mean okay okay. If you don't want to talk, that's fine, just let me know you didn't get kidnapped on your way home._

_*beep* Please…_

_*beep* I texted your mom. She told me you're safe in your room. I'll leave you alone now. Don't scare me like that. Good night, I love you._

To be fair, I had my phone off. I couldn't deal with that situation at the moment. I just needed to close myself in my room and cry.

Amy came over to my house the next morning, and after a long night of barely any sleep, I managed to dissociate myself from the situation as much as possible. Of course, she wanted to talk about it. "Was it because of our kiss?" she asked. I hesitated, wondering if it would be better to tell her everything in that moment. To tell her how I've been on and off in love with her for the past 2 and a half years, but it's been mostly on, and even when it was off it was on, and I wanted to kiss her and hold her and spend the rest of my life with her. "No," was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I told her we needed to end our fake relationship. It was getting too out of control. I never wanted a situation like the threesome to happen ever again.

She didn't seem very eager to end our fake relationship, but I ignored her and broke out the "celebrity break up" binder. Our whole "break up" was a huge mess. It was pushing Liam away, which I didn't want. I still had my eyes on the prize. Then, I saw the picture of Liam and Amy supposedly holding onto each other in the courtyard. It made sense then. She did want Liam, that's why she stayed at the threesome. That's why she didn't want to break up, she wanted to stay popular so Liam wouldn't leave. Of course, this all sounds ridiculous now that I know the truth, but this was my mindset no more than two weeks ago.

Then Amy and I fought. Again. We seemed to be fighting a lot lately. I didn't want to deal with this. "Come on Amy, let's not fight," but she was pissed. She was hurt, angry, upset, every negative feeling in the book. I felt horrible. I did this to her. I had to make it up to her. I had to open up and dig from the heart, even if my heart would say something really stupid that it couldn't take back.

I went on the morning announcements to try to clear things up. It seemed to work, because Amy found me while I was still apologizing. She hugged me and I felt all the electricity I used to feel. I was falling for her again, and if I didn't do something soon, there would be no turning back. I'd have to tell her the truth.

After our dramatic get-back-together moment for the whole school to see, they were cheering for us to kiss. Amy really did look especially beautiful that day. She had this way about her, she was even more confident than usual. It was like she had everything figured out, I envied that. Not to mention her denim button down and scarf combo. I truly believe there is nobody on this planet who can look that sexy while still fully clothed. "Guess we should give the crowd what they want," Amy said with an adorable smirk. I was melting. She leaned in and I gave her a peck on the lips, nothing too intense. I was already falling fast, I didn't want to speed things along even more. "I think we should still break up," I told her. I kissed her on the cheek and got up before I could see her reaction. I held back the tears as I made my way to the art room.

I regret this moment and the chain of events that follow it more than anything on earth. I don't want to get too into detail. I don't want to remember this. I slept with Liam. It was cheesy and romantic. It was how every girl would want their first time to be. I tried to make myself want it, but I couldn't. Sleeping with Liam didn't make my feelings for Amy disappear, it only destroyed my option of telling her how I felt. "Hey, I love you, but I also slept with Liam Booker, the boy you can't stand!" It didn't have a nice ring to it.

Liam and I had been sneaking into the art room for the next week. I didn't sleep with him again, though. I couldn't. The thought of doing anything more than kissing him repulsed me, but I pretended I liked him. If I pretended long enough, maybe it would come true. Eventually. I was subconsciously relieved when today came and I wouldn't have to see him. Of course, he ended up crashing it, and I was forced to endure yet another day of pretending I was in love with him. He was kissing me when mine and Amy's song came on. Straight Up, by Paula Abdul. At this point, I couldn't even pretend to be interested in Liam anymore. I pushed him aside and told him this was our song, and I left to find Amy. Dancing with her, performing our routine that we had choreographed one late night just for an occasion like this, was pure magic. I don't think I had ever been more in love with her than when she picked me up and twirled me around. We fell to the ground and looked into each other's eyes and laughed. It was innocent. It was beautiful. It was us. I started to consider the fact that my not-so-platonic feelings were mutual. I made a deal with the universe. If Amy would give me one sign tonight that she had feelings for me, I would ask her about it. I would ask her if she had feelings for me. I wasn't sure where I would go from there, but I would confirm my suspicions one way or another.

The universe delivered the sign. It wasn't an ordinary sign, it was a gigantic sign with flashing lights, screaming "This girl has feelings for you! Wake up, Ashcroft, you delusional idiot!" That sign was Amy's speech. Oh god, this was a speech everyone on earth would want the person they're in love with to make.

"Mom, Bruce, you're lucky, you've fallen in love with your best friend. The person who accepts you at your worst, the person who laughs at your stupid jokes, the person who knows you better than you know yourself."

My head started spinning as I looked at the ground. It was happening. I didn't know what to do now. I had to confront her about it. I was just so in shock that after years of pining away for this girl, this unattainable girl that has meant everything to me since the moment I laid eyes on her so many years ago, is practically confessing her love for me on stage.

"I would kill to spend the rest of my life with that person."

That was it. Definitive proof. I needed to talk to her, and I needed to talk to her fast. I waited until she went upstairs to her room. I wanted this to be private. I came upstairs a few minutes later to talk to her. I wasn't sure how I would approach how I came to the conclusion she had feelings for me. Looking back, there were so many signs. The way she looked at me like I was saying the most important thing in the entire world, how she lingered a little too long on that kiss in the quad, how she initiated the kiss at the homecoming assembly, despite not caring about being popular, the adorable smirk she developed on her face after I told her she was a great kisser, the way she was so jealous whenever I talked about Liam. That's what I would bring up. Liam. Seemed as good of an option as any. I walked into her room to see Amy pacing back and forth.

"I think I finally know why you're so jealous every time I mention-"

"Liam? You brought him here?! I saw him crawl out under the table, like a cockroach."

Well, that was clearly the wrong thing to bring up. To be fair, he shouldn't have been there, and I really wish he wasn't. This was causing so many unnecessary problems. I just wanted to ask the question.

"I didn't know he would come."

"Why didn't you tell me you two were back together?"

"Because every time I mention him you freak out… I think I finally know why."

"Trust me, you have no idea."

I choked out the sentence that had taken me almost 3 years to muster up the courage to say. "Amy, do you have feelings for me?"

"What? No.. Ew."

My heart started racing. What if I was wrong? I had to stick to my guns. "I can tell when you're lying."

"Really? Because I've been lying ever since we kissed at the homecoming assembly."

There it was. The truth that I had waited so long to hear, only one week too late. She had just confessed that she had feelings all this time, and here I was, deflowered by Liam fucking Booker. I couldn't tell her how I felt after that. She wouldn't believe me. This felt like a cruel joke. I had to handle this delicately. I would tell her I love her, just not now. But I had to start being honest. I had to tell her I slept with Liam. We could pick up the pieces later.

She went on and on about stepping off the edge, about how scary the feelings are, like I didn't already know. Of course I wanted to stop her and kiss her, and confess that I love every ounce of her with every fiber of my being, but I had to play it off for now. That's when she dropped it.

"I love you."

She started sobbing. I started crying. The next words that came out of my mouth are the words I had been telling myself for years, but this time, they were more painful to say than I ever imagined. "I love you too, Amy. More than anyone else on earth. Just not like that."

"But.. How can you know.. if you don't try?" She looked at me, and I saw hope in her eyes. She had just put herself out there and made herself more vulnerable than I ever had to her. She always was the brave one. I couldn't let this go on any longer. I had to rip off the bandaid, hoping she wouldn't walk away after these next words came out of my mouth. "I slept with Liam."

She gave me a look I have seen many times, but never directed towards me. It was the look she wore when she felt betrayed. The look she got when she felt nothing else mattered but revenge. The look I hoped to never, ever see directed towards me. I fucked up in so many ways over the past few years, it feels like I'm cursed.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Nobody knows the extent of this situation but this stupid diary. I've run out of tears to cry. I went to talk to Liam tonight after Amy's confession, ready to tell him everything, hoping for a shoulder to cry on, but he didn't want to hear it. I don't blame him. He's a douchebag, but he didn't deserve any of this. I'll talk to Amy in the morning. I can't even imagine what she's planning on doing to get back at me for everything I've done. Angry Amy is irrational Amy, and the only person who could ever calm her down was me, and well, I'm the one who hurt her.

This is going to be a long night.


	6. Chapter 6

*sorry it took so long to update* *this isn't a diary entry anymore it's just Karma's point of view* *this takes place the day after the wedding and Amy's confession*

Chapter 6

I was up almost all night tossing and turning. I knew I had hurt Amy. I knew she was going to do something to hurt me. Whatever it was, I could handle it. I love her more than life, and now I know she has feelings for me too. I had made such a mess. I made such a big deal about my first time being special, and then I slept with Liam Booker. No wonder she was so upset. Even if she didn't have feelings for me, she still cares enough about me to know that I deserve better than Liam. I needed to talk to her immediately. It was only 10 in the morning and I knew Amy would still be sleeping but I had to at least tell her I felt the same way.

I walked to her house and knocked on her door. Lauren answered it, and I saw Amy sitting at the kitchen table with what looked like a terrible hangover.

"You shouldn't be here. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to see you right now," Lauren said.

"I need to see her. I know she's hurt. Please. This is important," I begged

"Amy?" She asked.

"I don't care. Whatever," I heard Amy's weak voice say.

I came inside and sat down across from her at the table. "Maybe we should go upstairs," I suggested. She just looked at me, stirring around her half eaten bowl of cereal. "This is just a really personal conversation and I want it to be between us."

I could see her eyes watering. She batted at her face before a tear could fully run down her cheek. I reached out to grab her free hand. "Amy, please. I know you're hurting. I don't want you to be. I just need to talk to you and I need to know you're listening. I need to tell you everything. There's so much that you don't know."

"This is so painful, Karma," she weakly managed to whisper. "I can barely even look at you. Every time I look at you I just feel so guilty. I ruined everything and I can't even fucking help it."

"You didn't ruin anything, Amy. You couldn't ruin what we have. No matter what. Just.. listen to me. I know I slept with Liam, but it was a mistake. I slept with him because I was fighting my feelings for you." She looked up at me at first with hope in her eyes, and then with horror.

"No. No. No, Karma. No," she repeated, putting a hand over her face to hide her face from the tears.

"Amy, why? I thought you felt the same way," I started to panic. Did she change her mind this quickly?

She kept her face hidden in her hand for a few seconds while she regained her composure. "I fucked up Karma. I don't know why I did what I did. Oh my god, you had feelings too? Why didn't you tell me last night? No no no no. This is so fucked up."

"Amy, what happened? How did you fuck up? Just tell me. It's okay."

"It's not okay. I can't. I have to. But oh god. I'm so sorry."

I pulled my hand back from hers. "Tell me."

"I slept with Liam," she managed to choke out.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it at first. It made no sense. How did she find the time to sleep with Liam between the wedding and now? "Just, okay. Amy. Look at me. Please, look at me."

She looked up and I took her hand in mine again.

"It's going to be okay. We'll work this out. Can we just agree to not do anything until we get this worked out? We're stronger than this."

"You're not mad?" She asked. Loaded question. Of course I was mad. More than anything I was hurt. I know it was hypocritical to be angry, but I couldn't help it. I was mad at her for doing something just to hurt me. It was a betrayal, but I could justify it. I had been hurting her for weeks and she snapped.

"I'm hurt, Amy. But so are you. We just need some time together to work this out. We weren't honest with each other about our feelings because we were scared, but we can't be scared anymore. Fear is tearing us apart. We have to trust each other. I trust you. Do you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you," she said, trying unsuccessfully to hold back a sob. " I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't want to make things weird. It's so fucked up, Karma. I've never felt this way about anyone else. I desperately wanted the feelings to go away but at the same time I felt like if they went away, I would die. I saw you and loved you in a way I had never imagined and it was so beautiful. It still is beautiful. You're the only thing that makes sense anymore. I need you."

I squeezed her hand tight and I felt the tears that had been threatening to fall run down my cheeks. "I love you so much, Amy." I stood up and walked around to her side of the table to grab her hand and guide her up into my arms. I held her tight and buried my face into the crook of her neck. "I'm never letting you go again."

We went upstairs to Amy's room to finally sort through this mess. All the loose ends needed to be tied up. She needed to know my full truth, and I needed to know hers. She fell onto the bed, face down in her pillow before rolling over onto her side. I sat down next to her and stared at the glow in the dark stars on her ceiling.

"So.. where do we start?" She asked, looking up into my eyes.

"We both need to hear the full story. Do you want to go first?"

"I think you should go first Karma. I actually have a lot of questions," she said in a realization as she sat up. "First of all, when did you realize you had feelings for me? Was it at the threesome?"

I almost said yes. It would make things easier. I wouldn't have to explain that I was in love with her for two years before that. But we made an agreement to be honest.

"Actually, no…"

"Really? When was it then?" Amy asked racking her brain, trying to figure out when it could have possibly been.

"Remember when we went to camp the summer before 8th grade?"

Her eyes widened, but unwilling to make any assumptions, she prompted me to continue.

"Well, I kind of started realizing then that I might have feelings for you."

She stared at me in disbelief for a few seconds. Various emotions flashed through her eyes as she tried to process. I decided to speak again. "So… was that your only question?"

"I have at least a thousand more now, I have no idea where to begin. Okay, how about here. Did you have feelings for me ever since then too?"

"No! No. Well, kind of. Okay, yes. I tried not to. I tried so hard to move on and fall for Liam. I tried shutting down. I tried everything, but I couldn't."

"You even tried sleeping with Liam…"

"Yeah, I did. And that was stupid. But Amy, I had no idea you felt the same way. After we kissed at the homecoming assembly, you said it was like kissing your sister! That broke me, I couldn't-"

"Ah fuck," I was interrupted by a disgruntled Amy putting her hand over her forehead. "I was scared. I couldn't even process what I was feeling. I'm sorry Karma. If I would have known…"

"I know Amy. It's okay. We both fucked up and it's neither of our faults." We stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity before she spoke again.

"So, when you asked me to kiss you at camp, for 'practice' for boys, you really just wanted to kiss me?"

"Well, yeah. Sorry."

She looked up at me and smirked. "I knew it."

"What?!"

"I knew it! I don't know why I ignored it for so long, especially when I started realizing my feelings for you, but for some reason, I felt like there was something between us that week. Something new and exciting, but it wasn't scary. It just felt right. Then we left and you started getting distant."

I stared ahead for a minute in disbelief. "I'm not as brave as you Amy. I got distant because I started getting scared. If you had feelings for me then too, why did they go away for a while?"

"They never went away Karma. I don't know. You were always on my mind, and it was fine when it was just the two of us, but then other people got involved recently and I got jealous. I'm not as in touch with my feelings as you are, but seeing you with Liam and kissing you again made me realize that I've always loved you. I just never knew exactly how to deal with it. Like that time I kissed you at Josh's graduation party-"

"Wait, you DO remember that?"

"Of course I remember it. Okay, I wasn't that drunk. I might have played it up a little bit. But I just really wanted to kiss you. And I figured if maybe I could blame it on having so much to drink-"

I slapped her leg and tried to look angry at her before I melted into a smile. Then we laughed. We laughed harder than we've laughed in the past few years. It was a laugh of relief, like nothing was as bad as it seemed. I leaned in and kissed her, cupping her face in my hand. It was slow and passionate. I pulled back and looked into her eyes, really seeing her for the first time in a while. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

We fell asleep in each others arms and stayed like that for the rest of the day. Neither of us had gotten much sleep the night before. Neither of us had gotten much sleep at all lately. After taking a long hiatus, we were finally each other's safe places again. We still had a lot to work out, but we were in it together, and neither of us were ever going to give up on each other.

Later that night, I felt Amy stir next to me and a warm breath on my neck where her face was buried. It was amazing to hold her and know our feelings were mutual. I could feel the electricity and warmth without feeling guilty about it for the first time.

"Mmm.. Karma," she mumbled into my neck.

"Yeah?"

"I'm fucking starving. I've barely eaten anything the past two days," she propped her head up on her hand to look at me. "Can we please get something to eat?"

I smiled and held her free hand. "Of course. Dennys?"

"Duh," she rolled her eyes and smiled, getting out of bed to put her shoes on.

"Can I shower first? I haven't had a chance since before the wedding."

"Karma, come on. I'm hungry. You're fine. You look fine. You look beautiful, actually. And I _love _being able to say that to you," she said, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"You do things to me, Raudenfeld."

The car ride over was fairly silent. We had started talking earlier that day, but there was still so much to work out. We were both anxious to hear each other's sides of the story, but also wanted to avoid confrontation at all costs. We didn't want to risk what we had in that moment. It was beautiful. Instead, we held hands and sang along to Amy's favorite playlist which blasted throughout the car.

When we made it to Dennys, we no longer had the luxury of music to distract us from our questions. The silence and small talk across the table was too much, and we both knew we couldn't avoid our problems forever.

"We never really finished our conversation from before," I started. "We actually barely made a dent in it."

"Yeah, I guess we should probably continue that. But do we have to? I just like _being_ with you. It's been so long since we could just _be_." I smiled at her without answering, but we both knew the answer was yes, so she continued. "I guess I'll pick up where we left off. The night of Josh's graduation party, when I kissed you." She looked over at me, almost like she expected me to continue. "Go on," I said. I was anxious to hear the reasoning of why she kissed me without being completely intoxicated.

"Well, I kissed you because I wanted to. I don't know why, I just did. I didn't really understand that I had feelings for you. I always knew what being gay is, I just never thought it would be _me_. I was so confused. I just know I wanted to kiss you."

I looked at her, uncertain of how to respond. I really did understand where she was coming from. I wanted to be sympathetic, but I couldn't help asking another question. "Why did you start crying afterwards?"

"I don't know! I think because I wasn't expecting to feel so much. I wasn't sad, or anything. It just made me feel like crying. Karma, I don't know. I'm not good at explaining my feelings. You know that." She looked frustrated. She wanted to be able to tell me everything I wanted to know. She always wanted to give me everything.

"It's okay, Amy." I squeezed her hand. "I understand."

"You do?" she looked up at me with her light green eyes. I could look into her eyes for hours. It would never get boring. I always saw something new, yet something so exclusively Amy.

"I do," I shot her a reassuring smile. "You can ask me questions now. If you have half as many as mine, they'll last us a while."

"Well, while we're on the topic of kissing. The threesome kiss."

"What about it?"

"You _did_ feel something," she smirked.

"That wasn't a question."

"So you're not denying it?"

"Of course I'm not denying it. Obviously I felt something." The last sentence came out a little more snippy than I had hoped. "I mean, yeah. I've kind of been in love with you for the better part of 3 years. It would be impossible not to feel something."

"I know, I'm sorry. Dumb question. I just wanted to hear you say it." She reached across to squeeze my hand. She was obviously quite proud of herself. "When I pulled my trenchcoat off, you weren't expecting that, were you? Me to be wearing something so… _risque_."

I rolled my eyes. "No, I wasn't. That really messed me up for a while, buttface. I was _trying _to get over you."

"And _I_ was trying to get you to fall in love with me. I'm glad to see it worked," she shot me her classic Amy toothy grin.

"It didn't really work, because I was already in love with you. But nice try. Really, it was something. Maybe we could do that again sometime. You know, minus Liam. And minus you kissing Liam." My attitude immediately went from lightheartedly sarcastic to completely serious as I remembered that she had _kissed Liam at the threesome_. "Amy, why did you kiss Liam?"

"He kissed me."

"You kissed him back."

"What was I supposed to do? Throw him off?!"

"That would have been nice."

"Oh my god, Karma," she said, slightly irritated, "that would have made no sense. Of course I didn't _want_ him to kiss me, but I also had to play along that it was a threesome."

"So you didn't enjoy it?"

"Not really."

"Not _really_?" I kept hitting her with loaded questions. I could tell she was feeling attacked but I couldn't help myself. I was so insecure in the fact that she was finally mine. I couldn't believe it. I was almost trying to make up ways of why it couldn't work. Why it was too good to be true.

"This isn't fair, Karma, and you know it. If I had the chance to kiss Liam again, there is no way I would take that chance. Why would I? He's a boy. I don't like boys. I don't even like other girls. I like you. I _love_ you."

It was hard to argue with her when everything she said was so perfect. God, why did she have to be so perfect? Everything about her made me feel inadequate. That wasn't her fault, though, that I never felt like I was enough for her. It was my own fault. My own insecurities. "I just never feel like I'm enough for you." I tried my best to refrain from tearing up. We were the only people in the restaurant, but I didn't want to cry on top of everything else. I already felt so stupid.

"Karma, I never feel like I'm enough for _you_."

"How can you say that? You've always been there for me. You've always gone along with everything I've done because you know it will make me happy."

"You do realize that's exactly what you do for me too, right? You've always been there. Do you feel like I'm enough for you?"

"Yes. God, yes. You're everything." My attempt to not tear up failed miserably as I barely choked back a sob.

"Then how could you possibly not be enough for me?" She squeezed my hand, leaning forward, looking up into my eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed, begging me to accept what she had said. Begging for me to accept myself, to love myself the way she loved me.

"I'm so in love with you," was the only thing I managed to whisper out. "I'm so in love with you it hurts."

"I know the feeling," she said, her voice cracking, quite obviously attempting to hold back her tears too. "And I'm right here. I'm never leaving you, Karma Ashcroft. We'll get through this. We'll be happy again."

I wiped the tears away that fogged my vision, and I looked across the table at the beautiful girl holding my hand. "I already am, Amy. Just being with you. I already am."


End file.
